It’s been 37 days since I’ve spoken to my mother.
It doesn’t. Having feelings does not make you a little bitch. And it’s taken me so long to realize that. I’m that friend that used to always ask how you are doing and was so willing to help you get through tough times and problem solve and show up (with booze) to help navigate the situation, but would always answer “I’m good”, crack a joke, and distract you from asking me any other questions about how I was doing. Recently, I’ve been in such a not good place, that I couldn’t even lie about how I was feeling anymore. I couldn’t fake the funk. I couldn’t pretend. I couldn’t even text. The facade caught up with me. I haven’t been feeling okay for a long time now and you know what I learned? I learned that your friends will still love you, they will show up for you, and it doesn’t make you a little bitch for feeling feelings. I always felt like a little bitch, a punk, a weak-ass person for feeling anything other than happy or obedient. I know that stems from childhood and from being a child of an emotionally immature parent. You didn’t really have the opportunity or space to feel or behave any way other than happy or obedient. If you did, it would somehow turn into some guilt trip over how you aren’t as good of a daughter as your parent was to their parent. Fucking weird. It is uncomfortable to have my friends checking in on me. ON ME! I used to be the checker inner. Now I am the one getting checked in on and thank goodness for that. I am so grateful that I have made connections with people that I can be vulnerable with, and it won’t be held against me later on. It won’t be held over my head. Their time and connection with me won’t be shitted on if they don’t get their way about something. If you’ve had a parent like mine, then you know what I am talking about. Any sign of emotion or vulnerability would then make you “sensitive” or give you the silent treatment. If you express any type of feelings other than happy or obedient, it could be used against you at any given moment, especially when you think things are going well. I can’t believe I am in my 40s and just now letting my friends check in on me. I’ve been missing out.