It’s been three and a half months since I’ve spoken to my mother, and it feels like it’s been so much longer. I recently had Covid, and it was awful, absolutely awful. I was so sick and miserable for nearly two weeks and during my daughter’s 16th birthday too. While I was sick, I remember thinking how some people long for their mother when they don’t feel well. They reminisce on the memories where they were sick as a kid and their mom would take such good care of them. That made me realize that I never, ever long for my mom. Not when I am sick. Not when I am sad. Not when I am happy. Not when I want to be taken care of. And that made me sad. My mom took good care of me when I was a child and sick, so it is interesting that that is not something I wish or long for when I am sick as an adult. It is interesting but not surprising. My childhood, although only about 30 years ago, feels like a lifetime away and it is, really. So much has changed. So much has been destroyed, and so much has been lost. And at the same time, so much has been realized, so much has been learned, and so much has been healed. I just wish I wanted my mommy sometimes. I will never know that feeling.
Lately I have been missing the fantasy that I used to hold with me about my family of origin; the fantasy that maybe one day we could all be in the same room together again and laugh and enjoy each other’s company. That day came in 2021 at my father’s funeral, but there was no laughter, no enjoyment in each other’s company, no camaraderie, and that was the last time we were all together. I wasn’t sure my mom was going to show up to my dad’s funeral- her husband’s funeral. But she did. I think I miss the fantasy because that fantasy was hope. It was hope that maybe one day we would reunite, and everyone would be healed from their trauma and from their pain and we could just be happy at the same time and express our love for one another and be a family. Maybe no family works that way but that is why it is a fantasy, my fantasy, my past fantasy. I just wish I wanted my mommy.