It has been nine months since I’ve spoken to my mother and several months since I’ve written anything here. Nine months. A whole pregnancy term; not that I am pregnant but when I think of it that way, it feels like such a long time. So many firsts have passed us by- my father’s birthday, her birthday, my birthday, the anniversary of my father’s passing, my wedding anniversary, her wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, and soon, Christmas. There have been many moments and days of sadness and grief around my separation from my mother, my mom. When I refer to her as my mother, it feels a little easier than when I refer to her as my mom. Interesting. Anyway, so many firsts. So many moments of sadness. So many days of questioning. So many moments of guilt. So many memories and reminders to process…and I still haven’t found a new therapist. Ooops.
It has been hard. It has been very difficult to travel this road and to travel it alone, without my siblings to relate to. This journey of separation has also been beautiful and healthy and calming and energizing. It is absolutely insane how stressed out I always was and how drained and exhausted and grumpy I was. I’m not saying my mom is to blame for all of that. I certainly have had many difficulties things happening in my life but the added stress of having a mother like mine in my everyday life was way too much and I know that now. You know, prior to March 2024, if you would have asked me what the best thing was that I ever did for myself, I would have said, “Moved to the other side of the state, away from my mom.” Now, I think separating from my mom is probably the best thing I’ve ever gifted myself. It makes me feel sad and vulnerable to write that but it’s the truth. I feel a lightness, both in my body and in my mind. I’ve lost some pounds. I feel calm in my mind. I feel much more balanced and at ease. I’ve even found another hobby and you know I’ve been searching for a hobby for decades. I have time, something that no one seems to have enough of.
I am sad but sadness isn’t my leading emotion and I am grateful for that. More to come. More to process. More to celebrate.
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