To be read with force and disgust: “Hi, this is me! You don’t have to keep on calling me and telling me you don’t give a shit! I understand that! You’re not worried about my groceries. You’re not worried about my income tax. You’re not worried about a goddamn thing! That’s fine! Just FORGET it. Bye!”
Okay, no need to read the rest of this with any force or disgust. That was just for the dramatics of the voicemail.
That was the last voicemail my mom left me and that was just over a week ago. That was after I blocked her and after she hung up on me in the middle of a boundary setting sentence. It pissed me off so much that she hung up on me when I was being calm, respectful, and enforcing a simple boundary. I called her back so I could reiterate the boundary and remind her of what I agreed to do and not do for her. She answered and immediately hung up the phone, without saying a word. Again, and then once more. I was mad, very mad, but really, I was hurt, deeply hurt. I was hurt because this is only the gazillionth time she’s done this type of shit and I felt stupid. I felt so dumb that I allowed her to “get me” again. This isn’t the first boundary I’ve set with my mom, and I should have known what to expect. She responds exactly the same way every single time I implement or enforce a boundary or disagree with her. Every. Single. Time. This wasn’t the first boundary I’ve set with my mom, but it may have been the last.
I’ve had it. I’ve had enough of it. The enormous amount of stress I feel related to my mom is exhausting and draining, so incredibly draining. I have spent SO MUCH energy, time, and emotion constantly reminding myself that I don’t deserve to be treated the way she treats me, and if this were anyone else, any friend, any stranger, any colleague, anybody, they would not be allowed in my life, taking up space, yet, because she’s my mother, I keep going back for more.
Well, no more. I think. I hope. I think I hope that. I’m not sure. I am currently considering cutting my mom out of my life almost completely. This is definitely my biggest issue in my life right now and I have had a lot of big issues to navigate. Although, my mom has pretty much always been at the top of my issues list. Mommy issues are definitely a thing. Oh, the mother wound.
I mentioned that I blocked my mom and then she still left me a voicemail. I learned a while back that she could do that. Anyone you block from your cell phone can still leave you a voicemail. You just can’t see that they are calling, but you will still get their voicemail in the “blocked messages” section of your voicemails. Well, that’s true for iPhones anyway. I used to appreciate the fact that I could block my mom, take a little break, and she could still leave voicemails. It relieved some of the everyday stress seeing the Home Sweet Home contact pop up on my phone several times in a row throughout the day, but it allowed me to know she was still alive and kicking. (The Home Sweet Home contact name is just sarcasm. She is not Home Sweet Home.) I don’t feel the same way anymore. I blocked her and I want her to know I am inaccessible to her. I am no longer available to you, for you, or to serve you. I did a quick Google search to find out how to block block her and Verizon has an easy few steps to get that done (If you have Verizon, Go to the Verizon App on your cell phone, click on Account, click on Devices, click on your specific device, click on Block Calls and Messages, click on Add a Number, then add up to five phone numbers you want to block). So, I block blocked her. And my sister. Now, if/when she calls, she hears an automated voice that says, “Welcome to Verizon Wireless. We’re sorry. The number you have dialed has calling restrictions that have prevented the completion of your call.”
My current dilemma is figuring out if this is temporary or permanent or somewhere in between. For now, I guess it’s somewhere in between because although I haven’t spoken to her in 8 days (I’ve gone much longer before), and I am leaning towards cutting her all the way out, I am still paying her mortgage, her utilities, her credit card bills, etc. I am paying those things with her money-I’m not ballin’ like that- which reminds me and pisses me off all over again! Why are you shitting on the person who is managing your finances?! If I was a different person, I could easily wipe her out and leave her with no money, no electricity, no house, without a cent. That’s probably why she has me paying her bills, though; she knows I’m not that type of person. Lucky her.